For Ari

what's different now

I know I've said things were going to get better before. I understand if that doesn't mean much right now. But I need you to know what's actually changed in how I see things, because I think I was genuinely lost for a while and I hate that it cost us so much.

I don't care if I make $100,000 or $300,000 a year anymore. I really don't. I let that number become the whole point and I lost sight of everything that actually matters to me, and you are at the top of that list. You always have been. I don't want to spend my twenties grinding toward something I don't even want, and I don't want to look back one day and realize I traded the best thing in my life for a slightly better job offer. That would kill me.

There is an end to the distance. When I graduate I'm not chasing a city or a salary. I want to live somewhere I'm happy, work remotely, and actually build something of my own on the side. I still want to provide for my family, I still want to get there, but I want to do it on my own terms and not spend my life depending on a company that could lay me off tomorrow and never thought about me once. I want to be there while you're in med school. I want to come home to you. That's not me saying what sounds good, that's genuinely what I see when I think about my future.

And I should have been getting on that bus to Binghamton way more than I did. I'm sorry for every time I didn't. You were always choosing me and I wasn't matching that the way I should have been.

I'm not asking you to forget any of it. I'm just asking you to believe that I finally see it clearly, and that you are worth so much more effort than I was giving.

why do you have to be so pretty

there's one more thing

I can't live without you. I need to be with you physically. I need you in my arms with your lips on mine. I need to feel your heart beat close to mine. I can't do the long distance anymore either. I need to see you. I need to be able to love you. I want to spend as much of my time on this planet with you as possible. I can't stop thinking of you. I need to show you how much I love you. I was an idiot for not telling you every second of every day. You are the most perfect, beautiful, loving girl in the world. There are too many things I wanted to do with you that I never got the chance. I want to kiss you under the stars again, and hike mountains with you, and adventure on road trips with you. I want to do the boring things with you, and comfort you after your hard days. I want to be there when you're sad, and help you get back on your feet when times are hard. I want to grow and build with you, and become a better person for you every day. I want to have your back at every challenge you face, and be your rock, your person who you can always count on to be there. Life is too short. I want to spend it with you, I want to be your person. Nobody understands me like you do, you understand me better than I understand myself. Just the thought of you calms me down when times are hard. When I'm with you it feels like all my problems disappear. You make me the happiest person in the world. I love you in ways words can't describe. You've helped create so much good in me, without you, I'm lost. You are my Cinderella, my sleeping beauty. You are the the Sun in my solar system and the light at the end of my tunnel. I can only dream of being as important to you, I want to be your Prince, and I'll do whatever it takes for you. I work hard and learn from mistakes, and by your side there's nothing I can't do.